FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASEApril 1, 2007 Hoosier Hamlet Picks Annual “Village Idiot” ********************* A "Star" is Born ********************* When her Hippie parents named their baby daughter “Deneb” after the brightest star in the sky, they must have had an idea of what the Fates might bring. Thirty-five years later, the same parents must have had different idea as they successfully nominated Deneb Lea to be “Village Idiot” of Story, Indiana. "Lou and Holly definitely wanted their daughter to receive this honor" says Rick Hofstetter, owner of the Story Inn and the town's only employer. "But Deneb earned this all by herself". The tiny southern Indiana village of Story does not have a Mayor, Sheriff, Town Counsel, or any other form of municipal government. Yet democracy is alive and well in this rural hamlet. On April 1 of each year, town elders a/k/a tavern regulars meet to elect a “Village Idiot”. Ballots are submitted to the bartender at the Story Still, the functional equivalent of the Town Clerk. “It’s a tradition that’s been going on for years, a tribute to the fermentation process”, says Rick. “We don’t have a real government, so there's no need to hand out fancy titles to our idiots around here”.
Deneb, a brunette who claims to have "blond roots", edged out a field of unusually talented candidates by performing several unique gaffes. For example, she booked a flight, hotel and rental car to see a Prince concert in Las Vegas, but when she arrived at her destination, she realized that she had forgotten to buy a ticket to the concert--which was sold out. Deneb also managed to rearrange the body of her parents' new Infiniti--twice. Once, while flattening three mailboxes at the end of her driveway, and again after hitting an unspecified object which she feared was a coyote. "She loves animals, and called us hysterical in the middle of the night to say she could hear bones crunching under the wheel well" her father explained. The doting father then traveled to the scene, to find not canine corpus delicti, but the Infiniti's impact bumper lodged under the wheel. "She'd been running over it repeatedly" said her exasperated dad. Deneb is also a notorious abuser of cell telephones. She managed to drop hers into water no less than four times in the past year: in a lake, a sink, a washing machine and, most notably, a toilet. At least she can be credited with innovative ways to recover them: she put one of the water-logged devices into her oven, which unfortunately melted into goo. This eccentric and free-spirited Columbus family, transformed by Reaganomics and empowered by the Internet, now runs a successful business importing high-end audio equipment from China. You can often find the three of them sipping a fine Cosentino Cabernet at their favorite watering hole, the Still at Story, Indiana. One day, bar regulars saw an odd competition between mother and daughter: an effort to tie a cherry stem into a knot exclusively by mouth and tongue action. Daughter beat mother in 15 seconds flat, cementing Deneb's title as "Story Cherry Stem Slut" and leading bar patrons to ponder whether this peculiar skill was nature or nurture at work. Such idiosyncrasies seem to run in the maternal line. Noni, Holly's mom and Deneb's grandmother, won a nomination for admitting that she "lost hers" while doing the Jitterbug. Brown County, Indiana is a hilly and mostly forested region which brings out hikers of every level of intestinal fortitude. While walking in the woods one day, Deneb felt nature call. Instead of soiling a perfectly good dollar bill, she reached for a leaf--which happened to be poison ivy. "She's learned a bit about horticulture since then" observes Hofstetter. Bartender Thomas Doane (2006 Idiot) seemed intent upon re-claiming his crown. One day, he opened up a bottle of Jordan Cabernet ($85) to sell it for $5 per glass, much to Hofstetter's consternation. Thomas also dumped a loaded ashtray into the trash instead the sand bucket, which refused to go quietly into the night. One evening after his shift, Thomas took the shortcut home through the Brown County State Park to discover that a stream had burst its banks, blocking the road. He decided to take a nap, only to be awakened hours later by a Conservation Officer, who gave him a ticket for camping without a permit. Despite Thomas's continuous bombardment by sportscasts beamed by satellite to the town's only television, he still grapples with such concepts as "outs" in baseball and "downs" in football. His memorable quote, while observing the NCAA Butler vs. Florida playoff game: "Gee, is that the same team that beat us last week"? Story Inn guests Vince and Kari (last name withheld) decided to make snow angels after basking in the hot tub of the "Treaty House". They received a nomination for showing photographic evidence to the bar later that evening. Employee Cathy Newhall received a nomination for pumping diesel into her friend's gasoline-powered car. Her explanation: "I thought it would be good for the car, 'cause it cost more". Employee Bob McAnnelly received a nomination for prepping his coiffure with Dawn dish detergent. Employee Andrew Wade was nominated for attempting to kill a wasp with a ten pound thesaurus; the wasp survived, but the window didn't. Gustatory consultant Joan Olson also broke her own wrist while attempting to kill a spider. Employees Mark Carmichael (2005 Idiot) and Rob Rogers by consensus performed the single most idiotic act. The two attempted to secure some restaurant equipment in the back of their pick-up. On the trip back from Bloomington to Story, the wind picked up the lid of a glass display case, which then smashed onto the windshield of a passing state cop. The good natured cop only wrote them up for a warning, to wit: for having a "leaky load". Owner's son Rich Hofstetter, a Junior at Brown County High School, nearly captured honors for blowing through a stop sign while taking his driving test (he failed). Rich left his version of a science project, a full toilet bowl, to fester for ten days while he went to Hawaii for spring break. While in our 50th state, he proved himself a country bumpkin by picking up a sea urchin, necessitating a trip to the Emergency Room. Deneb will hold the title of "Story Village Idiot" until March 31, 2008. FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT:
Rick Hofstetter |
