Vintage Story

Epistemological epiphany:
Life must be lived forwards,
but can only be understood backwards
Mercifully, life may be enjoyed sideways!

Full Moon: March, 2006. Allen Dale Olson a/k/a the Pontiff of Palate, Story Inn’s Wine Connoisseur. Copyright 2006 Story Bed & Breakfast, LLP, d/b/a Story Inn, all rights reserved.

LABEL LUNACY

            Time was wine labels had dignity. They were often a parchment-style paper with black gothic letters splashed occasionally with red or green announcing the name of the producer, the region, the vintage year and little else.

            No more. Oh, there are still a lot of bottles with the old dignified names, mostly from the Old World, but there are hundreds with colorful, eye-catching labels, mostly from the New World. An increasing number of them tell a whole history of the vintner, the region, the wine itself, or all three. Many are satirical, but all are intended to stand out from the rest.

            Don’t be put off by them. Just because you see Marilyn Monroe draped across the label doesn’t mean Marilyn Merlot isn’t good. Wines from Cleavage Creek, pin-up label to match the name, are very credible, even more so when you learn that the girls on the label really work for the winery and that a percentage of the sale price goes to breast cancer research. PinUp Caberet is still more audacious, as some of their female wine club members are featured on the labels in the flimsiest of lingerie.

            Some combine the erotic with animals, such as Bouteille Call (boutay-call), a dessert wine from Bonny Doone labeled Bouteille Call whose label shows a monkey peering up the skirt of a very long-legged lady.

            While the erotic touch makes the Bureau of Alcohol and Tobacco and other government agencies nervous – especially when Randall Graham of Bonny Doone Winery blatantly states his intention to make wine as much fun as the government will allow, others generate envy or anger. Growers in Cote-du-Rhone resented a South African naming his winery Goats Do Roam, though his cabernet sauvignon, labeled Bored Doe under a line drawing of a female deer, brought only a yawn from Bordeaux producers.

            We are now seeing flying pigs, monkeys, kangaroos, toads, and frogs on labels, some of them doing outrageous things, others just appealing to our natural love of critters. These attention getters are important both to producer and consumer. With thousands of wines available on world markets, it’s very difficult to keep up with them and to remember them. But it’s likely you’ll recall the “one with the frog or the one with the cleavage” and buy it again if you like it.

            While you can’t really judge a wine by its label, it’s true that if you don’t like the label, you probably will not buy the wine. If you like the wine and want to buy it again, you needn’t bother with details: just pick out the one with the loon or the monkey. And if you’re reluctant to turn on the lights in your wine cellar, you can always buy Carneros del Notte because it shines in the dark.

Vintage Story is an e-newsletter authored by Ole Olson and published by the Story Inn, and is available free of charge to all who appreciate good wine. Vintage Story is published at each full moon. The author and the Story Inn specifically authorize the republication, reprinting and circulation of any issue Vintage Story so long as due credit is given to the author and to the Story Inn (which holds the copyright).

If any newspaper or website desires to make use of any issue of Vintage Story, we do request that you notify us. Thanks, and here's to your health!